My Saturday has once again turned into the cold hours of Sunday morning. The weather has improved markedly, but it’s also brought in that open-sky chill of early Spring.

As (slightly) predicted, the wedding was an exercise in psychic ability. I failed in some areas, and ended up irritating the couple with too many questions. But hey, they didn’t choose a MC or event coordinator, so who else am I meant to ask? It started right at the very beginning and only got worse from there.

I trotted out to meet the bride as she primped outside the venue, preparing for her walk down the aisle.

Me – “Hi there! I’m Kiki. I have the songs that your groomsman dropped off for the ceremony and I just need to know which song you want played when.”

Her – “Oh just play them all for the ceremony.”

Me – [trying not to frown] “Ok, sure. I just wanted to know what order they’re in, and which song you want with which part of the ceremony.”

Her – “Just in the order that they’re in.”

Me – [still struggling, because she’s talking to me like I’m an idiot] “Ok. So is this the one that you want when your bridesmaid’s walk down the aisle? And are you walking down the aisle to the same song? And is this one for when you sign the register? And this one for the announcement and walk back up the aisle? What about these two? Do we just keep playing them after that point or are they for later on? Like for your first dance?”

Her – “You should know when music is played! Don’t you do this all the time?”

Me – “Oohkay… [what we normally do is get the songs listed according to which one fits with what part of the event – so asking these questions is normal, it just usually happens weeks earlier] I’m just making sure that we get it right, since you’ve gone to the effort of picking them specially for this event.”

Her – [pointing, and really annoyed now] “This is for when I walk up the aisle. This is for when we sign the register. I don’t care about the rest.”

Me – “Ok, got it… You know that this second one is a video, right? So there’s a long pause and talking in the middle, which will come out of the speakers. Did you want me to find the music version of that one on Spotify?”

Her – “Just play the songs!”

Me – “Righto.”

See, there are really good reasons why you don’t have this conversation with a bride right before the ceremony – but when you get handed the music on someone’s phone 10 minutes before the ceremony, and there’s nobody else who seems to have the faintest idea what’s going on, you just want to make sure that you don’t fuck it up. But it’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation. If I didn’t play the right song at the right time, she’d me mad and write a big long email about how I ruined their ceremony and their lives. But in asking her what she wanted, I had to annoy her at a stressful moment… and will no doubt get a big long email about how I ruined their ceremony and their lives. These are the terrible double-binds of dealing with weddings – especially weddings as uncommunicative as this one.

Yay, brides!

She also asked for ketchup to go with her eye fillet… and her song playlist was on some app called Playtube. So I really don’t care how much she wants to criticise me after that point, because “Playtube”. It provided us with a whole evening of giggles as we tried to figure out what kind of sex toy that described.

Heh heh. Playtube.




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